Funniest commentary excerpts


Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill – I’m sorry, Hutton 111.
– John Snagge, BBC NewsRay
Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.
– Brian Johnston, BBC Radio
Welcome to Worcester where you’ve just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D’Oliveira’s balls clean out of the ground.
– Brian Johnston, BBC Radio
He’s usually a good puller – but he couldn’t get it up that time.
– Richie Benaud, Channel 9

If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you’re left two short.
– Bob Massie, ABC Radio

This game will be over any time from now.
– Alan McGilvray, ABC Radio

It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up.
– Max Walker, Channel 9

Glenn McGrath joins Craig McDermott and Paul Reiffel in a three-ponged prace attack.
– Tim Gavel, ABC News

In the back of Hughes’ mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.
– Tony Greig, Channel 9

It’s been very slow and dull day, but it hasn’t been boring. It’s been a good, entertaining day’s cricket.
– Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.
– Jack Potter, 3UZ

Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle.
– Richie Benaud, Channel 9

Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary.
– Jim Maxwell, ABC Radio

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off.
– Trevor Bailey, Radio 3

He didn’t quite manage to get his leg over.
– Jonathan Agnew, after Botham had spun around off balance and tried to step over the wicket unsuccessfully, BBC

Lloyd’s talking to his SLIPers.
– Channel 9 commentator.

Marshall’s bowling with his head.
– ABC commentator.

The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright.
– Jim Maxwell
and the riposte
That’s right!
– Norm O’Neil

And Jajeda is dijappointed…Jadeja is ji..da..I’ll come again, Jajeda..okay Jadeja looks downcast.
– Tony Greig on Channel 9.

His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going
– Richie Benaud

Even Downton couldn’t get down high enough for that
– Richie Benaud

That slow motion doesn’t show how fast the ball was traveling.
– Richie Benaud

There were no scores below single figures
– Richie Benaud

Fast bowlers are quick. Just watch this — admittedly it is in slow motion
– Ian Chappell.

It is now possible they can get the impossible score they first thought possible
– Christopher Martin-Jenkins.

It would be unprintable on television
– Geoff Boycott

If England lose now, they will be leaving the field with their heads between their legs!
– Geoff Boycott

That was a tremendous six. The ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary.
– Fred Trueman

Then there was that dark horse with the golden arm, Mudassar Nazar.
– Trevor Bailey

David Boon is now completely clean-shaven, except for his moustache.
– Graham Dawson

The black cloud is coming from the direction the wind is blowing. Now the wind is coming from where the black cloud is!
– Raymond Illingworth

He is a very dangerous bowler. Innocuous, if you like.
– England coach David Lloyd discussing Chris Harris

The Queen’s Park Oval — as its name suggests, absolutely round!
– Tony Cozier

His feet were a long way away from his body!
– Ravi Shastri

You rejoin us at a very appropriate time — Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end!
– Brian Johnston

The lights are shining quite darkly
– Henry Blofeld

It is a catch he would have held 99 times out of one thousand.
– Henry Blofeld

It is a full house at the Eden Gardens. Today, Calcutta is celebrating the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi!
– Henry Blofeld

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
– Robin Williams, American actor

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches.
– Paul Hogan, Australian actor

I don’t know what these fellows are doing, but whatever they are doing, they sure are doing it well.
– Pete Sampras on watching Lara and Ambrose at Lord’s.

Cricket is a game which the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity.
– Lord Maycroft

Many continentals think life is a game, the English think cricket is a game.
– George Mikes How to be an Alien

Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organised loafing.
-William Temple. Archbishop of Canterbury 1926.

Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result?
A: I don’t think the press are vindictive. They can write what they want.
– Mike Gatting, ITV

I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss. We may be in the wrong sign…Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition with somewhere else.
– Ted Dexter, explaining away England’s seventh successive Test loss, to Australia at Lord’s, 1993

There was a slight interruption there for athletics.
– Richie Benaud, referring to a streaker at Lord’s, BBC TV

Say, when do they begin?
– Grouch Marx, watching a cricket match at Lord’s

It’s funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it’s when you realise that your wife left you in May.
– Denis Norden, British television writer and compere

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare.
– Mike Brearley, 1980

Is there any sex in it?
– Peter Sellers, as a psychiatrist upon first learning about cricket in What’s New Pussycat, 1965

Q: Darryl, who are your favourite actors?
Cullinan: Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of appealing.

Q: What’s your favourite animal?
Steve Waugh: Merv Hughes.

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